You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
