Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize