This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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