Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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