This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
