My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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