I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
