Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
