nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
