so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
