my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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