SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
