Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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