I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
