no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
