I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
