Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
