the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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