When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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