I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
