I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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