all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize