how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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