I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
P.S. I can't hear my feet
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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