We won't sleep together?
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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