i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
