Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Someone shattered a urinal.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
