Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I showed him my bush... on skype.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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