You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
