i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wear drunk well.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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