my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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