John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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