I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize