I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
