you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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