I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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