So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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