i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
