Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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