i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
