every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
