he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
