If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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