people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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