I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
