I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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