I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
