I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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