Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
