i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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