She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
