things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
