Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
