I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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