You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
