At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
