Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
