It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There's always time for handjobs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
