At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
