one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
