I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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