the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
