I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
