Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
