just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
