I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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