I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
