I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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