3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have aggressive nipples.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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