Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
