so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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